


i'll go to heaven or i'll go to hell before i see you with someone else

by notthebigspoon



Category: Baseball RPF, Hip Hop RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-08
Updated: 2012-12-08
Packaged: 2017-11-20 14:15:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/586260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notthebigspoon/pseuds/notthebigspoon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I love Ryan.”</p><p>	Somehow, saying it out loud makes it all hit Angel like a two by four to the face. </p><p>Title taken from Better Dig Two by The Band Perry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i'll go to heaven or i'll go to hell before i see you with someone else

**Author's Note:**

> For wifey Courtney (theheartsfriend). Thanks for being a muse darling. <3

“I love Ryan.”

Somehow, saying it out loud makes it all hit Angel like a two by four to the face. He'd known it for a long time, known what that crazy intense wonderful feeling he got every time he looked at Ryan was. But he had never said anything. He just never had the word and by the time he felt like he could, they'd run out of time. He'd woken up the day of the parade, watched the steady rise and fall of Ryan's chest, his boyfriend's face tucked into his shoulder, an arm firm around Angel's waist. He'd woken up slowly, nose wrinkling and body shaking with a stuttering yawn. He'd kissed Angel before pushing his face back into Angel's shoulder, mumbling that he didn't want to get out of bed.

Angel had smiled but it'd been a pained one as he'd gently pushed Ryan away and said that they needed to talk. Ryan had listened without showing much emotion but there was something in his eyes that said it all, showed the extreme hurt and wild grief. Angel had never felt so terrible in his life. Ryan had said little, just nodded slowly and climbed out of bed, moving slowly around Angel's bedroom, picking up the clothes that had been scattered everywhere the night before. They'd barely been able to control themselves, _hadn't_ been able to control themselves, making love first on the floor and then on the bed.

He shouldn't have been surprised when Ryan didn't come to the parade. It only made him feel even worse. Ryan had played such a huge part, that should have been his moment. And instead he vanished to who knows where because Angel is a complete asshole.

Angel tries to forget. He picks up his kids and takes them out, buying everything they want and spoiling them enough that Windy might actually be pissed when they get back. He's surprised she isn't but he's too down to really wonder why. He squeezes Lorenzo's shoulder and promises they'll play basketball later before retreating to his office. He logs onto his computer, brings up a picture of him and Ryan. They're in bed, sheets up around their waists, Ryan's face is tucked into Angel's neck, visibly smiling. Angel's arm is stretched out to take the picture. He's sleepy but smiling, happiness radiating from the both of them. It's Angel's favorite picture but looking at it now makes him feel sick.

The door starts to open and he reaches out, slapping his hand against the touch screen and making the picture disappear just as Windy peeks inside. She smiles at him as she closes the door and comes to sit in his lap. He forces a smile, arm circling her waist on auto pilot.

“Nice to see you're not so grumpy.” She smiles, kissing his cheek. “Are you that worried about getting a deal?”

“I would like a longer stay and more money. They might be unwilling to give me that.” Angel shrugs. Inwardly, he's relieved and even grateful. She doesn't know yet, doesn't know about the affair. He's not ready to have her hating him too. “They do not throw money around the way some other teams do.”

“You'll get your deal.” Windy answers confidently, kissing him properly. “They really want you back and they know we want to come back. It'll happen. In the meantime, be patient. We'll go on vacation. I'd like to go to New York.”

“Whatever you want honey.” He answers absently, watching her bounce out of the office. As soon as the door shuts behind her, he buries his face in his hands.

New York is cold. He's not all that enthusiastic about the trip, though he pretends to be. They go to restaurants they'd liked when he played for the Mets and visit old friends. They catch movies and shows, go Christmas shopping. They're together every waking and non waking moment. He misses the kids terribly, both because he loves them and because they had served as a buffer against Windy. He loves his wife. She's amazing, the mother of his children, far better than he deserves. There's only one problem.

She's not Ryan.

Angel knows that she knows that something is wrong, that she suspects something is going on. They haven't slept together in weeks, in spite of her advances. There's been heavy making out but he never can make himself go beyond kissing. It feels too much like a betrayal of Ryan and isn't that just backwards. Angel hates himself on every front. For betraying Windy, for hurting her, for hurting Ryan and breaking his heart. It's what officially closes him off from the trip. Even the news about getting his deal doesn't make him truly happy. He smiles, poses for pictures for his wife to tweet. The smile always falls the moment she lowers her phone and looks away.

“Angel.”

He sighs, opens his eyes and gives his wife a half hearted smile. “Yes?”

“What's going on with you? What's wrong?”

“Nothing. Everything's great. I'm just tired. Been a long wait.”

Windy doesn't smile. “You've been tired for months. Not feeling good. Worn out from your games. Almost since we've moved to San Francisco, something has been different.”

“Windy, it's nothing. It's been a hard year and a hard month. That's all.”

“Stop lying to me!” Her voice hurts his ears, makes him take a step back. He's never heard her scream like that before. “Tell me the truth. There is something. There's _someone_. Who is she?”

“There's not another woman Windy.” Angel answers wearily. His wife laughs humorlessly.

“Oh. Okay then. Who's the other man?” She asks, voice dripping with sarcasm.

Angel doesn't answer, doesn't even look at her. He doesn't have to. He knows that there's understanding dawning on her face, followed by hurt and then anger. He doesn't duck when she hurls the bottle of champagne at him, catches it without a word and puts it aside. She screams at him but he doesn't hear it. He's in a daze, dreaming, desperately wishing that he would wake up so this nightmare could be over. He doesn't come back to himself until he realizes that it's gotten quiet, just Windy sniffling and crying. He wants to hug her. He knows that he has no right. He sits, stares out the window at New York until Windy speaks.

“Who? At least tell me who.”

Angel looks her in the eye. “Theriot. I ended it Halloween morning. I have not spoken to him since.”

“Do you love him?” She asks, voice small.

“I am so sorry.”

First she cries. Then she gets angry, telling him to get out and that he's no longer welcome in their home. She's not going to be with someone like him. He packs his things back up and leaves the hotel, taking a cab to the airport and getting on a flight to San Francisco. He was going to have to go for his physical anyway. Might as well get there and get it over with now that, in a sense, he has no place to go. He gets a hotel room, stay open ended. He doesn't know where he's going to go. He knows he brought this on himself.

He gets the physical over with, accepts a lunch invitation from Bochy and spend over an hour shooting the breeze and pretending that his personal life isn't in shambles. If Bochy notices anything, he doesn't say it, though he gives Angel more than one curious look. Angel responds with smiles that are more than a little forced. When he's back in the safety of his car, he cries for the first time since this whole mess started. He's so tired. Tired of the ache, the loneliness, the pretending that everything is okay. It hasn't even been a week. He's pathetic.

When he gets home, there's a man in the lobby of his building that looks incredibly familiar. When he places who it is, makes the connection, he almost sees red. Dwayne Carter. Dwayne fucking Carter, who Ryan had talked about nonstop and who Ryan implies hung the moon. The man falls into step with Angel in spite of the fact that Angel is clearly ignoring him. They climb the stairs in silence and Angel manages to wait until the door of his room is shut before whirling on Carter and glaring at him.

“What the fuck do you want?”

“That's no way to talk to company. I remember you being... well, bitchy then but not so rude.” Carter answers calmly, sitting down on the desk and pointing at the bed. “Sit down. Me and you, we're going to have a talk.”

“I do not recall telling you it was okay to sit down.” Angel answers flatly. Carter shrugs, doesn't move. Angel sits down.

“No... I don't know what your hang up was. If it was your marriage or your religion or something else. If it was your marriage, I respect that. Mad respect. But if it was religion, you got yourself a problem.”

“Oh yes? How's that?”

“God loves everyone. If you dig men, that's cool. You was born that way, made that way.” Carter answers, resting his arms on his knees. “What did you do to my boy? That was what was wrong. Why you were with him when you're married isn't my business, but-”

“My wife left me when she found out about Ryan. Made me leave. Either way, it's over.”

“Too bad.” Carter answers indifferently. “Like I was saying, how you did him was wrong. Homie was in love with you. Hell, still is. He's miserable, been sitting on my couch so long there's a permanent him-shaped dent in it. Hope you're proud of yourself.”

Angel sighs and rubs his face. “Why are you even here?”

“Just letting you know... he loves you. But he deserves better than you. Stay away from him Pagan. Me? I'll take care of him.”

Angel stares at Carter as the man gets up, stretches and says goodbye. He's whistling as pulls the door of Angel's hotel room shut behind him. Angel doesn't like what just happened. He doesn't like how close Carter is to Ryan. He doesn't like being told to stay away from the man he loves. HE doesn't like knowing that Carter is going home to Ryan. Maybe he'll get to Ryan first but Angel isn't going to stand back and let the bastard steal his man. Ryan belongs to Angel. Angel should never have let him go. He's going to get Ryan back. Carter can't have him.


End file.
